What were we thinking?

We try to get out as often as possible with the boys. Living in an apartment right now gives us a good case of cabin fever.

Most of our outings involve eating and shopping. I used to wonder why my friends with babies went to the mall all the time, now I know. It is out of the sun, air-conditioned and full of kid friendly places to eat. And for us ladies- a great place for retail therapy.

An Italian festival came into town this past weekend. We love to go out for food and shopping and husband is Italian so this seemed like a great fit. We knew it was going to be sunny and hot so we dressed the boys appropriately, applied sticky sunscreen all over their bodies and packed water.

Nothing could have prepared us for the heat. Somehow when we were out running errands we never appreciated how hot the sun is when standing outside for prolonged periods of time. The boys quickly turned pink from the heat. We all had sweat rolling down our backs.

Am I just a mom?

The boys are quickly coming up on three.  I guess I have to assume I am as dialed in to being a mommy as I will be.  We last moved over a month ago.  We have been in Vegas for over two  years.  Yet I am still at a loss for having done anything that is just me.  What I mean is- I have no hobby, I don't volunteer, I hardly remember to write in my blog, no crafting or cooking or even exercise. 

I go to work, come home and hang out with the boys, make dinner, put them to bed, clean up and watch TV or read.  Is that sad?  I feel like I should have something that I do, that defines me, makes me more interesting, but I am just always tired and want to zone out.  What happened to the me of my past.  I wanted to be involved, I was creative and tried things.

I can go months without even think of my lack of a life past mommy and than all of the sudden it hits my like a wall of bricks.  What have I done for the last three years?   What is my life beyond the walls of my house.  What mark am I making on the world, or at least what am I crafting to hang on my walls?  I don't know the answer, there a lot of things that interest me but yet I feel pretty content at the end of most days.  If you have any suggestions please let me know. 

Raspberry mustaches

We had gelattos yesterday and the boys had the cutest red mustaches!  It really did make them more adorable to me, even with the drips down their shirts.  How funny that things change when you have your own kids.
I remember thinking kids with messy faces and clothes were not so cute. And as they tried to give you a hug or kiss I would keep my distance not want any goop to touch me. Now I find it very endearing. Somehow that mess doesn't seem as toxic, the poppy diaper not as repulsive. Interesting how this works.

Are we missing something?

We have been on the fence about having another child basically since the boys were born.  We have both felt that 3 sounded like a good number of children.  Just enough to mix it up but would still fit in our car- though it would be tight.

But as each day progressed we realized that two is a lot of work and a lot of reward.  We can each hold one or as they have gotten bigger one of us can hold two hands.  What would we do with the third child?  I do not do well without sleep as most people are.  How can we start over now with sleepless nights, midnight feedings.  My patience is starting to get stretched too, what would happen with one more?  Many people have said you need a girl, but neither one of us has felt that pull, if anything we would rather have another boy.

Several months ago we were out to dinner with the boys, and they were certainly being ornery toddlers but we looked at each other and realized wow this is pretty good.  We can do this just like it is and that is when we decided to stay a family of four. 

There are certainly moments when the thought is a little sad.  Especially with how big the boys are and now they like to pretend to be a baby.  Or when I see a pregnant women and I am a little envious.  But we are good.  I did think for awhile something was missing, but now I think it is my mom- nana.  She should be here and yet she is here.  We talk about her all the time with the boys and that is comforting.  We are a perfect family of four.

It's a mom thing

Husband has decided he wants to start a tradition of Friday night pizza. Great, but the boys are not so excited about pizza anymore. Especially tonight when baby B is not feeling good. Baby A has become very picky in the past month and when it comes to pizza he only wants the crust. Being a good wife I cut several pieces for husband and I. I give Baby A my crusts which he eats and then he starts looking for more. Of course husand ate his crusts. I asked why he did not save them knowing Baby A only eats crusts. All he could say was oopps he did not realize he would want any. I asked why I should realize when the baby is hungry when husband never does and he said I guess is a mom thing. This is his excuse for every time he does not notice something, does not realize a diaper change is needed, snacks, water, a toy! Some how he can zone out and I do not miss anything. I guess it is a mom's thing.

Where's my mother's day?

Mother's day is fast approaching.  I can't believe this will be my third mother's day.  Of course, for the first one the boys where only four months old and I was exhausted and delirious.  I don't even remember celebrating for myself, much the less celebrating for my own mom, grandmother, mother-in-law or step-mother.  My guess, is that I took a good nap that day while husband watched the boys.  I really don't even remember what we did last year.  This year, I will never forget.

This will be my first mother's day without my mom.  Of course she will be with me all day in memory, but I still can't believe she won't answer the phone when I call with well wishes (or complaints about the boys or husband as she always listened to those too).  I know the boys do not understand mother's day yet, but they do know what it means to be nice, give hugs and kisses, help clean up and let's make something for mommy.  I am so lucky to have them and will treasure every minute with them (even during the nap I have already scheduled for the day), but I will be sad that my mom is not hear to celebrate and get her hugs and kisses.  We will wish her a happy mother's day and I just hope she is listening.

Cute = Ornery

Mother Nature is pretty smart. 

Now that the boys are two, they are really flexing their decision making muscles all the time for good and bad.  They often decide to throw food on the floor, steal toys, knock things down, climb to reach no-no items, and on and on at least a dozen times an hour.  They also do not understand how anyone could ever tell them no.  This sends them into a tailspin that often resembles a tantrum.  However, the more ornery they get, the cuter they get too.  It is like some kind of cosmic balance.  Just when you think you can't take anymore from them, they give you the cutest smile, tell you they love you or do something really adorable. 

I am trying not to worry about the trying threes but I do wonder what new level of cuteness the boys can bring on.

This is my therapy

My mom passed away recently and I have many things to say about that. This relates to it. We were on our way to the in-laws and the boys were talking about grandma and grandpa. They were so excited to see them and I am so happy that they are in their lives. As I was looking back at the boys in the car while they were talking it really hit me that they are not going to have my mom's influence growing up. I feel confident they are surrounded by good people and will always have good role models, but what would have been different about them if nana had been in their lives more then their first two years. There were so many things she loved that I know she looked forward to experiencing with them and teaching them. I know she would have been such a strong, positive and fun impact on their lives and while it does not feel fair to me to not have her around for me, it is really not fair for my boys to not have her around in their lives. I will do my best to mention her often and do things with them she would have but I am going to shed some tears too.