Hit the brakes!!!!!!!!

Fa la la, Fa la la, life is good and we are all just cruising through it - until someone hits the brakes.  From 60 to 0 fast. 

I went to the gyn with a complaint of soreness and possible lump in a breast.  For some reason I really thought she would tell me the lump was in my mind and there was nothing there.  But no, she said she felt it and I needed to have a mammogram and ultrasound to check it out.   That news stopped my dead in my tracks.  I really did not think anything could be wrong even I though I had made an appointment to go to the doctor.  Denial?

I was speechless and did not know what to ask or say.  In fact, I was trying not to say anything and focus on not crying.  I left the room, got my paperwork and made my appointments for the follow up testing.

Needless to say I was (and still am) a wreck.  I quickly imagined worst case scenarios over and over.  I think of my mom and her passing.  I wonder how long I have had the lump.  Why didn't I do my self-checks.  Why didn't I make a doctors appointment sooner.  Looking at my boys would make me tear up.

I know that it could be nothing, but it is hard for my not to stopping thinking, dwelling, imagine what it could be. 

I can't believe how quickly the direction of your life can change.  I know it has not really changed, and in fact nothing is different then the day before.  But I am seeing everything different. I am realizing how precious everything is that I have been taking for granted. 

I am going to give myself a little bit of gas to get going and make it through these days, but I have definitely slowed day.  I am taking stock of everything I see and feel. 

My follows are later this week so we shall see what happens.

Where's my mother's day?

Mother's day is fast approaching.  I can't believe this will be my third mother's day.  Of course, for the first one the boys where only four months old and I was exhausted and delirious.  I don't even remember celebrating for myself, much the less celebrating for my own mom, grandmother, mother-in-law or step-mother.  My guess, is that I took a good nap that day while husband watched the boys.  I really don't even remember what we did last year.  This year, I will never forget.

This will be my first mother's day without my mom.  Of course she will be with me all day in memory, but I still can't believe she won't answer the phone when I call with well wishes (or complaints about the boys or husband as she always listened to those too).  I know the boys do not understand mother's day yet, but they do know what it means to be nice, give hugs and kisses, help clean up and let's make something for mommy.  I am so lucky to have them and will treasure every minute with them (even during the nap I have already scheduled for the day), but I will be sad that my mom is not hear to celebrate and get her hugs and kisses.  We will wish her a happy mother's day and I just hope she is listening.

Cute = Ornery

Mother Nature is pretty smart. 

Now that the boys are two, they are really flexing their decision making muscles all the time for good and bad.  They often decide to throw food on the floor, steal toys, knock things down, climb to reach no-no items, and on and on at least a dozen times an hour.  They also do not understand how anyone could ever tell them no.  This sends them into a tailspin that often resembles a tantrum.  However, the more ornery they get, the cuter they get too.  It is like some kind of cosmic balance.  Just when you think you can't take anymore from them, they give you the cutest smile, tell you they love you or do something really adorable. 

I am trying not to worry about the trying threes but I do wonder what new level of cuteness the boys can bring on.

This is my therapy

My mom passed away recently and I have many things to say about that. This relates to it. We were on our way to the in-laws and the boys were talking about grandma and grandpa. They were so excited to see them and I am so happy that they are in their lives. As I was looking back at the boys in the car while they were talking it really hit me that they are not going to have my mom's influence growing up. I feel confident they are surrounded by good people and will always have good role models, but what would have been different about them if nana had been in their lives more then their first two years. There were so many things she loved that I know she looked forward to experiencing with them and teaching them. I know she would have been such a strong, positive and fun impact on their lives and while it does not feel fair to me to not have her around for me, it is really not fair for my boys to not have her around in their lives. I will do my best to mention her often and do things with them she would have but I am going to shed some tears too.

At least it wasn't me first

We were all invited to a first birthday for twin boys. We were pretty excited to attend since we are still getting to know people in Vegas and really enjoy this group.

The party was great. Good food, good drinks and company. We spent most of our time chasing the boys around while trying to have brief conversations. Of course we always divide and conquer. One baby one parent. We switch off on the babies as time goes by. One baby may be a bit more of a wanderer than the other one, thought they both give you a run for your money! I admit that I am always trying to keep an eye on the husband and the other baby.

While I was trying to sit and keep busy baby A while talking with friends husband came over and said "I can't find Baby B.". I didn't even have time to even think about it when our friends jumped and started looking. Anxiety started creeping in when someone yelled I see him. It was not until husband was holding him that I begin to feel panic of what could have been. So scary! I will never forget that feeling and hopefully that will keep me even more attentive.

Baby B was fine. Husband looked away for a second and Baby B turned around and ran off. He is short and easy to miss behind furniture and people! Plus he is fast. . I will give husband a hard time but no ill feelings. It is bound to happen again but at least it wasn't me first!

Terrible almost 2's?

I am still always amazed at how much personality these two guys have. It is like have two small adults in our house. I really had no idea they would already be set in their ways, have so many opinions and emotions, and be so funny.

What is not funny is when they get mad/frustrated, and it happens often. When they want something the can't have (all the time!), you tell them to stop doing something, or when they are not ready to get in the car and go. They both have different types of meltdowns, and I will be honest, one has it more often then the other.

One of the hardest parts is that they are not predictable, it must be some combination of frustration, being hungry and tired. We try to make sure we take care of the hungry and tired, but you still never know.

We will get through this, I think. I imagine when they can express themselves more they will be less frustrated, unless of course they want something we won't give them.

One plus one equals more than two

You don't really appreciate how different it is having two little toddlers of the same age until you get to spend time alone with one of them. On the rare occasions that one of them wakes up earlier than the other from a nap or in the morning and you can actually get them out of their room without waking the other, it is a special time just bonding with that one boy.

They really enjoy having you and the toys to themselves. It feels so different being with just one versus the two.

The other day Baby B and I went to a playgroup alone. Normally it is the four of us, with one parent watching one child. It was amazing how much easier it was with just me and Baby B. When the four of us are there I am constantly watching both boys (even though dad is responsible for one), trying to get them both to eat a snack, make sure they are safe and playing with the other kids. With just one baby there is was such a difference experience. I did enjoy it more.

While I would not change a thing, having two little ones around, even with two parents, is much more work than one child to one parent. You only have to worry about that one child, as opposed to "forcing" two to do the same things, eat at the same time, sleep at the same time, play in the same area. I do worry that each boy does not get enough individual attention, but that lasts for less than a minute as I am off to quickly referee some fight over a toy or watch them make each other laugh and squeal.

12 months- where did it go?

Wow- a year has gone by.

Everyone tells you it will go by quickly, and I knew that it was probably true, but it was hard to imagine what it would feel like. Especially because in the beginning time went by so slowly I could count the sands as they fell through the hour glass.

With the anxiousness of being a new parent and the sleep deprivation that comes with any newborn (x 2) I didn't think that time was moving- except of course during those few minutes when I laid down to get sleep, that went by fast. Someone told me that with a newborn it would be the longest days of your life but the quickest weeks, and that is really true. As the hours seemed to drag by the weeks and months added up quick.

Soon enough the boys were 3 months old and not so fragile, then 6 months old and half way to a year. 9 months was just a blip and now they are 12 months old.

They are little people living in my house. They have complete and separate personalities that are larger than life. They grow and learn everyday. I do have to stop and wonder about myself. Have I grown and learned something everyday? I am very happy with the job of the boys I am raising but I need to make sure another year does not slip by without more focus on myself.

Am I the last person to not own skinny jeans?

What is with all the fads and how quickly they are adopted and adapted.

I love leggings. They are great with long (very long) sweaters or short dresses, but something that goes past your thighs. They are so comfy and easy. Over the past couple of years I have seen an evolution of leggins getting thicker and the tops you wear with them getting shorter. I am sorry, but no matter how thick they are, they are still leggings. I am seeing now girls in leggins with their tissue thin t-shirts tucked in! Excuse me, you should not be running around with your behind in somethinga as form fitting as a bathing suit! On the skinniest girl it is still not right.

Leggings were just not enough for everyone, now they are making jeans with a legging cut. I thought the benefit of jeans was that they suck things in where needed and hide some of your flaws. I don't want jeans that hug every curve, just the ones I want them to. I think these jeans are the new legging, everyone is wearing them. They tuck them in to their uggs, riding boots, stilletto boots, you name it. It is the new uniform. Maybe I am just jealous, but I refuse! -Until I can fit in them)