What am I going to be when I grow up?

I am still struggling with my identity outside motherhood, wife and employee.   In my downtime I like to read, watch TV or scan the Internet. None of these make me feel complete or more accomplished. I can tell you things I would like to do - write, sew, craft, volunteer, organize my house...    But no.

Am I too tired or uninspired?  I am secretly concerned that I am just lazy!  Maybe I just need a few more weeks to catch up on me time?  Any suggestions?  

At least my boys know what they want to be when they grow up. 

 

Am I just a mom?

The boys are quickly coming up on three.  I guess I have to assume I am as dialed in to being a mommy as I will be.  We last moved over a month ago.  We have been in Vegas for over two  years.  Yet I am still at a loss for having done anything that is just me.  What I mean is- I have no hobby, I don't volunteer, I hardly remember to write in my blog, no crafting or cooking or even exercise. 

I go to work, come home and hang out with the boys, make dinner, put them to bed, clean up and watch TV or read.  Is that sad?  I feel like I should have something that I do, that defines me, makes me more interesting, but I am just always tired and want to zone out.  What happened to the me of my past.  I wanted to be involved, I was creative and tried things.

I can go months without even think of my lack of a life past mommy and than all of the sudden it hits my like a wall of bricks.  What have I done for the last three years?   What is my life beyond the walls of my house.  What mark am I making on the world, or at least what am I crafting to hang on my walls?  I don't know the answer, there a lot of things that interest me but yet I feel pretty content at the end of most days.  If you have any suggestions please let me know. 

One plus one equals more than two

You don't really appreciate how different it is having two little toddlers of the same age until you get to spend time alone with one of them. On the rare occasions that one of them wakes up earlier than the other from a nap or in the morning and you can actually get them out of their room without waking the other, it is a special time just bonding with that one boy.

They really enjoy having you and the toys to themselves. It feels so different being with just one versus the two.

The other day Baby B and I went to a playgroup alone. Normally it is the four of us, with one parent watching one child. It was amazing how much easier it was with just me and Baby B. When the four of us are there I am constantly watching both boys (even though dad is responsible for one), trying to get them both to eat a snack, make sure they are safe and playing with the other kids. With just one baby there is was such a difference experience. I did enjoy it more.

While I would not change a thing, having two little ones around, even with two parents, is much more work than one child to one parent. You only have to worry about that one child, as opposed to "forcing" two to do the same things, eat at the same time, sleep at the same time, play in the same area. I do worry that each boy does not get enough individual attention, but that lasts for less than a minute as I am off to quickly referee some fight over a toy or watch them make each other laugh and squeal.